I’m back! After a month off of social media work to focus on family things, I am back and so excited to jump back into this time with you! After having an hilarious and funny conversation with a client about, as she described it as “sex tips for a couple who actually wants to stay together and have great sex”, I thought I would share some of what I gave her.
I typically go a bit deeper with my writing about all things sexuality related because sometimes we just need a bit more than a tip…..but here are 30 ideas to run through and see what may raise the heat between you and your lover or add some more variety to your already revved up relationship.
Dive into these ideas to help you spice it up, sizzle together and stay satisficed with each other inside and, thusly, outside the bedroom too. Have fun with boosting your sexual connection together!
(A few suggestions: Print off the list and both you and your lover circle what ideas look good to you. Talk about any differences you have and get excited about which ones you were top on your lists. Then start trying them! Keep it light, don’t worry if things go array, focus on the enjoyment of discussing the ideas and look at it all as fun sex research!)
- Oh, but that Kiss! Kiss for at least 20 minutes. Set a timer if you need to. Try all different kinds of kissing. Switch sides, switch who has what lip on top of the other. Kiss slowly and kiss fast. Try kissing with a gentle touch and experiment with kissing your lover’s face off. Try licking each other’s lips. Place your hands and fingers different places on your lover’s face while you kiss. Tug each other’s hair, pull on their ear, embrace her face, put your fingers lightly in his mouth as you kiss. Make noises of pleasure. Kiss each other up against a wall and switch who is pressed against it. Stare at each other’s eyes while you kiss and the close them. Get lost in the kissing and let it take you to many places. But keep your hands above the neck…no roving hands. This is ALL about kissing as it’s own solo event.
- I’m App to Try it! Try a few apps that cater to couples in different ways. There are some cool apps that pop up all the time that can aid or enhance your relationship. Embrace technology.
Pls Pls Me: http://www.businessinsider.com/plsplsme-app-to-help-you-have-better-sex-2015-5
Happy Couple: http://www.happycouple.co/?lan=en
Simply Us: http://blog.simplyus.com
You & Me:https://appadvice.com/review/quickadvice-you-and-me
- Stud Muffin and Ms. Sexypants. Studies have shown that couples who have stayed together long term and are happy with each other have nicknames for each other. Make up sexy nicknames for each other. Use them with each other in voice messages and text messages. Buy little gifts that represent the nickname and have it be a fun little secret between the two of you. You can also make fun names up for your private parts or for a certain sex move that you like that your partner does or even make a name up for a particularly sexy encounter that you two had together.
- A Sext-Off. Set an alarm on your phone to go off once every hour for 6 hours. When the alarm goes off, you both send a sexy text to each other. It can be an on going erotic story that one of you starts and the other adds to it until the story ends. Or you could send a continuous list of things you want to do to your lover when you see each other next. The hourly sext could be sexy pictures or a series of things you find sexy about your lover. The subject is limitless as long as you BOTH are writing and it is a consistent time that you can look forward to and both commit to.
- His and Hers. Shop for lingerie together and make it a sexy and fun time. Find a local boutique shop and both of you pick out a variety of things—lacey or sheer, cute or sexy. Try them on. If you can’t show your love what you look like, take a picture in the dressing room and send to him/her. If your lover is a he, don’t forget to find something great for him too. Great underwear like Tommy John’s or Meundies. You can also shop on line and do a fashion show for each other when the goods arrive. Another option is to buy something for your lover, wrap it up and leave it on the bed or mail it to your home for your love to have the fun of opening the surprise.
- A Sex-ppetizer. Have sex before you go out for the evening. If you have children, get the sitter to come earlier and take the kids out for a bit. Or get a room and visit it before the event and get ready there. Or maybe find a fun and private place to have sex in your car on your way to the event. Whisper to each other throughout the night the things you liked about it, compliment each other’s skills during it. And either have that be the exciting connection of the evening or use it as further foreplay for after the event.
- The Sex It-Fuck Me List. Have a Sex bucket list that you can add to, cross off and have as a go to list when things feel a little stale. Look at the list as a brainstorming container that provides no-stress, exciting ideas to look forward to trying at some point. Make sure everything on the list is agreed to and if you come up against an idea that both parties aren’t into, have an alternative list where ‘maybe in the future’ ideas can be archived. Make sure both of you are supportive and open to the other’s ideas so both feel safe to explore and experiment with ideas.
- Casting Couch Call! Make a sex tape of you masturbating for each other or while you are having sex. It is very common for couples to enjoy watching the other give self-pleasure. Consider surprising your partner with a video already made, handing it to him or her and watching them play it or walking away coyly telling them to come find you after they watch it. You can also hand your phone or video camera to them and ask them to go make the recording for you right then and have a room set up already for them. You can have them make the video while you are watching or give them the privacy to make it for you and then bring it to you. Making a recording of you connecting sexually can be fun too. Experiment with the camera getting a full shot of you both or switching off each partner holding it and recording from different vantage points. Have a game plan for what to do with the recording afterwards. I highly recommend erasing them after you have watched them and not storing them on any device.
- Fantasy Island. Come up with a fantasy that is doable and commit to when to act it out with each other. Individually come up with a fantasy that would be fun to reenact together and then make time to swap ideas. Be open to each other’s thoughts and ideas and be affirming of the vulnerability in sharing them. Pick one of mesh versions of the two and commit to when and where you will fulfill it.
- House Blue Prints. Have sex somewhere in your house that isn’t your bedroom. Try the kitchen counter or utility room. Find a cozy spot in the garage. Get it on in the hallway or in your bedroom closet. Doesn’t matter where just pick a place that isn’t your usual place and have fun with the different sound, lighting, textures and feel to it.
- Wanna Try Sometime New? Pick a sex act that you both want to try and then research it together. This one isn’t so much about what sex act you choose but the fact that you pick it together purposefully and take the time to research it together. Communicate if you are both okay with solo research also and what the boundaries are with this research. (Are only blogs and books okay or is it okay to watch porn or go to chat rooms about the topic?) Make sure that at least some, if not all, of the research includes you doing it together and at the same time. There can be something really sexy about reading an article together, out loud or watching an instructional video or laughing together about some silly comment seen on a discussion board. Then try the sex act out. If you feel like it, go back to that chat room as a couple and post something about the experience or put a review out about the book you read.
- Ohmmmm.Try tantric or omming. Look up the concepts of tantric sex and omming and see what basic practices feel comfortable with trying. If you are already familiar with the concepts, consider how to take it to the next level. If you don’t feel great about either, see how you can make the next sexual connection more intimate, more purposeful and more ‘in the moment’. Make an effort to really stay connected with your partner or explore the connection of sexuality and spirituality in your sexual activity.
- The Big Rub Down. Take a couples massage class. I’m actually not a huge fan of having couple’s massages but I do think that learning how to give each other massages can be very sensual and sexy. Of course you can just try on each other and have fun with oils and various strokes but it can be very sexy to make the effort to actually learn basic tenets of a massage. If you already have massage skills, consider bumping your knowledge of yoni or lingam massages. Have a room set up in your home with a massage table or set up your bed or couch up to host a sexy rub down. Have a good playlist, sexy music and make sure the room is warm enough for full nakedness.
- InnerCourse. Surprise your lover by buying an on line course. There are a lot of courses and instructors out there on a variety of topics related to sex. Look on Omooni, Kajabi or MindValley. Kim Anami and Psalm Isadora are heavy hitters. You can also try my Be Your Own (S)expert course off of my website. http://dr-juliana.com/courses/. Most courses range from $100-$1500. You buy them and either get access to all of the videos and content immediately or it drips to you for several consecutive weeks. They can be really fun to do together or for one to complete and teach the other.
- Music to My Ears. Make a playlist to make out to .. Send a song every hour and say what you are going to do to each other while the song plays. Or make a playlist that you think will be well timed to the rhythm of the progress of your lovemaking. Let the playlist set the tone for the sexual connection. Consider making one, texting the link off Spotify to your lover and telling him /her to start it when he/she wants to start getting it on as the cue that things are about to get sexy. If the playlist works or if a particular song stands out during the encounter to that playlist/song into a special secret between the two of you that will instantly remind you both of what happened during that song.
- Mirror, mirror on the Wall. Watch yourself in a mirror. It can be very sexy to see how you look while having a sexual connection. If you have a bathroom mirror , position yourself so you or both of you can watch your faces or see how your bodies move. Set up a full-length mirror by your bed or find a hotel room that has a full-length mirror and lean up or stand in front of it. Watch your own face, watch your lover’s face, examine your bodies and how they connect. Make a commitment to not judge your bodies or faces of pleasure. Consider watching some short videos on the site Beautiful Agony to get a realistic view of what real pleasure looks like on a face vs. faces from porn actors. It will help normalize what you are seeing on your and your lover’s face.
- Sex Research 101. Do my 50 questions. Plan a fun night answering these questions with each other. It can be challenging but it is mostly lots of fun and very informative. Remember all new things are just research! Keep it light and make the environment safe and supportive. Here is the link to the actual questions http://dr-juliana.com/50-questions-to-ask-your-lover-2/ Here is the link to the write up on how to do it and make it fun.http://dr-juliana.com/50-questions-to-ask-your-lover/.
- OMG YES!!! Go to the website OMGYES and learn new techniques and talk about what you think of what you learned and experienced. The site has a low price but is WELL worth it. One of the best and most innovative websites I have come across. It has personal interviews with a diverse set of women who are describing what techniques bring them sexual pleasure through touch on their vulva/vagina/clitoral system. Then they show on video in a graphic and classy manner how the techniques works on her body and she talks you through it and then there is technology that helps you practice the technique and gives you feedback if you are doing it accurately or not. Watch it together or separately BUT talk about what you say, what you learned and what you want to try. This is all about communication and positive affirmation of learning more about pleasuring the female body. https://www.omgyes.com [Disclaimer: I am an affiliate and do get a portion of any sales under my name.]
- Pick Pocketing. Leave a note for your partner somewhere where he or she will find it—a coat pocket, wallet, purse , car dashboard telling him/her you’ll be having sex that night or say something that you think is super sexy about your partner. Be as graphic or full of innuendo. Have fun with it and write something that will either make your lover smile or get turned on or both.
- Taking a Load Off . Do two household chores for the other person to relieve his or her stress and daily responsibilities. Leave a love letter for them telling them why you wanted to do it and then end the evening with something pampering for them that you normally wouldn’t do—brush their hair, give them a long back rub, paint her toe nails. Pamper him or her with no expectation of sex. In fact, make a commitment that the evening will NOT end with sex so that the acts of service do not feel like a bribery in order to get sex. Do the acts with a good heart and out of love and hope for a love connection.
- Bueller? Bueller? Take away one or more of your senses during sex. Wear noise-canceling headphones or wear a blindfold that totally takes away your sight instead of giving you small little peeks. Restrict your movement with silk ties or Velcro handcuffs on the Liberator. I am someone who loves noises but it can be fun to change it up and completely deprive yourself of sound. This idea is all about trust and surrender. Depending on what sense(s) you are taking away, have a safety plan in place for it and code words or gestures that end it if you or your partner aren’t feeling comfortable.
- This One is for You, Baby. Begin an experience with each other with the explicit instructions that it is ONLY for your partner. You will be providing pleasure for him or her. Give lots of attention to a body part you typically skip over or use different techniques on a part you love. I like telling the partner who is giving attention to a woman to really explore her vulva in a way her or she hasn’t before—don’t just go straight to her clitoral glans or vaginal opening but play around with her inner and outer labia. Stroke, pet, use firm and light touches, run your fingers slowly on the outside of her labia and inside as well. Have lubrication handy if needed. For attention to men, many partners do not pay a lot attention to his scrotum and taint area. Consider spending a lot more time there doing something things as described on the vulva. You can also focus on something outside of your genitals like an incredible head and ear massage or do a sensual foot rub down. Doesn’t matter where, the focus is on full attention, giving the physical touch with love, with purpose and with variety.
- Sign, Sealed, Delivered. Write a love letter to him or her. Make it at least one page and leave it somewhere special and unexpected. Sometimes the best thing you can do to respark the connection between you and your partner is to tune into the base of why you are together-love. Shower him or her with words of appreciation and get back to the love that brought you together and highlight the amazing things you see currently in your lover. If your lover is a female, go to http://thesuperjewelproject.com and consider nominating her and writing a love letter about what makes her a Super Jewel.
- Your Next Clue. Do a sex scavenger hunt. Send a note to your partner at work and send him or her to a few fun places-pick places that trip him/her down a sentimental journey of meaningful places or pick sexy, risqué places that will spark the thrill that is to come. End it at a hotel room or place where you can have a sexual connection.
- Sex-escape. Plan a sexy trip away to a big city. Research fun, sexy things to do. Go to a sex store or a burlesque show. Go to a strip club. Ask a friend to plan it for you (you can swap planning for each other) and have your plans delivered to you each day by the concierge so both of you are surprised and don’t know what you are doing. Make sure you only pick things that you are certain or pretty sure would be agreed to (and could be easily canceled) to maximize the time to be super positive and fun together. If you are unsure where your partner stands on something that is a stretch (like a S & M dungeon or swingers club) make a list up of possible things that include your idea and ask for the ideas to be put in categories of hell yes, yes, maybe, and hell no.
- Everything but…. Keep as many clothes on as possible during sex or take off everything except one sexy item like panties you love or a pair of high heels. For men, wear nothing under your jeans and keep them on while you have a sexual connection by just unzipping your pants. The point of this idea is to do the opposite of what you typically do in terms of clothing during sexual activity and to have fun playing with clothing on and off as a way to feel sexier.
- A TV Time Out Watch a TV show together and every time it goes to a commercial break, make out during the commercials and stop as soon as the show starts again. This idea is about the thrill of anticipating sexual connection and knowing there is a time constraint to jump in and jump out. The
- If the Car is a’Rockin’ Leave your lover a note by their bed stand telling them to meet you outside in your car. Have a playlist ready for your car and get a quickie done. This idea is all about showing your lover about your wanting for him or her and finding those moments that create sexual urgency and playfulness. It doesn’t have to be a car—it can be the playhouse in the backyard or hot tub or room across the hall. Just something that says “I want you. Meet me here. Now.” In the best kind of sexy, desiring way.
- Love Box Get a box that represents the two of you. Cut up small strips of paper and have two pens. Plan an hour together and write down different sex acts that you both would be willing to try or do. Use it to give inspiration for a sexy evening. Sometimes pull just one and commit to a timeframe to engage in it. Other times, pull more than one and make sure you do all of them during that sexual connection.
- You Pick Up What I’m Putting Down? Get something that you can have two of –like two pennies, two crystals, two tokens–and keep it in a cool bag or box. When one of you puts it on the other’s sink or bedside stand, it means you will have sex of some kind within 24 hours. Have fun with these ‘sex cues’. It gives the other party time to get on board with the idea and can be something you both look forward to. It is a little ‘I want you’ love note. Make a commitment that if it appears you must follow through so that it doesn’t lose it’s meaning but also make a commitment to not over use it or misuse it. It should be periodic, used sparingly and timed for the best possibility of success and fun!
Bonus: Undercover Rendezvous If possible, show up at your lover’s workplace. Either where nothing underneath your coat or make sure you can wear something that allows for sex quickly and easily. Make an appointment, walk in and turn the shades, meet out in the alley, whatever works and make a sex connection happen.
What do YOU do to spice up YOUR love life? Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. All emails to this address are confidential and read and answered by me only. I love hearing from you and can’t wait to hear your ideas of you how spice up your sex life!