This is a fun and thought provoking exercise to complete with your lover or future lover. I hope you have loads of fun and learn a lot about yourself and your lover through the questions. This exercise is intended to open up the dialogue on a range of topics within sexuality. Some are detailed and others are open ended.
There is an intention for you to have room to interpret some of the questions and make them fit for you and your specific partner.
Completing the Exercise
Setting the Safe Zone Up:
- Talk to each other about why you want to complete this exercise..what is the goal, what are the intentions? (“We want to get to know each other more intimately” “We want this to be a fun way to answer questions we’ve been embarrassed or afraid to broach.” “We’ve been wanting to share more with each other and commit to being fully honest with our answers regardless of fears.”
Consider writing your intentions down to reference or have as a reminder throughout the exercise.
- Come up with hot buttons, fears, concerns. Both partners must answer this. This could be certain topics, voice tone or gestures/physical reactions. Make a commitment to each other to stay away from those triggers and make a strong promise to quickly apologize and switch gears if one or both slip. This exercise has some potential for emotions to flare and you want this managed so it ends in being a GREAT experience and not a fight or ammunition for a future fight.
- Make a verbal commitment to each other to be fully honest and forthright. This isn’t a half-in exercise—this is an ALL IN kind of experience. Go back to your intentions for the exercise and make sure you have them present in your minds. You may want to come up with a code word or phrase that you can say to alert your partner that you are about to reveal something sensitive or that you are afraid of so they can bring their A game as you share your answer.
Answer the questions:
Most people tend to sit together, read the questions and answer them as if in a conversation. You can always write down your questions too and read them to each other if you think you need more time to process your answers.
Decide if you will definitely answer all of the questions or if you can ‘pass’ on a certain number of them.
If you pass or want to pass on certain questions, make note of them and commit to talking about why.
Do your thing with this. Make it your own and go through it in a way that feels right to you as a couple.
Depending on the stage of your relationship and your age and life experience, some of the questions may not be relevant. That’s okay just skip what doesn’t fit or make one up to fill the slot.
Sharing your answers:
Again, lots of different ways to go about this.
- Decide who goes first and alternate
- Answer randomly and don’t worry about order
- Do it all in one setting or break it up purposefully.
- Set up a fun night dedicated towards this exercise or in the car or on a walk. Make it an experience that is bonding, intimate and positive.
- Make it loose, easy, not a big deal but still meaningful and purposeful.
- Do it your own way that works for the time you do it and who you are as a couple.
Don’t overthink the questions. Answer as best as you can understand, you can ask each other about meaning as well.
Some questions may be too hard to answer simply so answer how you can and then add more in the discussion.
If the question isn’t worded exactly right for your circumstance, re word it to fit you or your partner.
Some of your answers may involve talking about sexual experiences with people who aren’t the one you are doing this exercise with—talk about this ahead of time. Are there any people who/experiences that trigger you? Be real about jealousy and how you two are going to handle it throughout the exercise.
Don’t answer what you think is the ‘right answer’ or the ‘less weird answer’. Answer YOUR TRUTH. Own it. Claim it. Be freed by it. And give that space to your partner too.
Joking and fun certainly has a place within this exercise. I hope you laugh a lot. I imagine some questions will make you blush or nervous giggle. That is great! But be mindful to not use humor to deflect getting real and being intimate.
Be careful with your reactions to your partner’s answers. Don’t use judge. Pay attention to surface answering and avoidance. Go deep and don’t avoid.
Warning…..this exercise may make you horny! Have time set aside to get physically close to each other or by yourself afterwards or maybe even during! Or…it may make you want space. Respect either reaction.
I use the word ‘sexuality’ where most people use ‘sex’. Don’t let this trip you up. My questions are based on the Circles of Sexuality and my intention is to hit all aspects of a well rounded sexuality and help to improve everyone’s sexual pleasure, deepen your sexuality and heighten your sexual connection.
Processing the Experience:
Make sure you give yourselves time to process the exercise throughout it as well as afterwards. Think about what were the FUN topics, what were the TOUCHY ones and what brought forth COOL discussions. What did you learn about each other? About yourself?
You will want to let some of the answers sink in and other ones you will want to revisit. Thank each other for your bravery, for your honesty, and for your desire to learn more about each other. Remember your original intentions and celebrate them.
Take this exercise seriously but also lightly. You will learn things you didn’t know. Some of this information will be fantastic. Some of it may not feel fantastic at first. That is ALL okay. This is about learning and talking and opening up. Not about judging and not about getting information to use against each other later. Some of these questions may be the first time you’ve ever thought of the topic and this is your first time thinking about it or trying to articulate them. Do your best and then add more if it comes to you. Give this space to your partner too.
Hug, kiss, cry, make love, fuck, take time alone, write more individually, take the exercise further. Whatever works for you. Whatever works for you as a couple.
Keep this exercise safe. Sacred. Intimate. Real.
And most importantly, don’t let the question and answer part be the end of the conversation. Let it be the beginning. You are SO ahead of the game because you had the courage and willingness to go there. For yourself. For each other.
Congratulations to you for that amazingness!
xoxo, Dr. Juliana
- What are your favorite parts of a kiss?
- What experiences have you had with sex toys? On yourself? Using it on someone else?
3. How often do you look at porn?
- Are you honest about your porn use or embarrassed by it?
- What is the kinkiest thing you’ve ever looked up on line?
- What have you done sexually that you regretted?
- Where do you fall on the kink continuum? (Scale of 1-10; 10 being the kinkiest)
8.What kinky thing would you like to try but haven’t yet?
- What was your first time having sexual intercourse like?
10.What are your top three things that you’ve never tried but would love to try?
- How do you know when you are loved?
- What are your immediate sexual turn offs?
13.What are your biggest turn on’s?
- Are you okay with me masturbating?
- How often do you masturbate?
- Would you be willing to show me how you masturbate or want to watch me masturbate?
- What is your favorite part of my body?
- What part of your body do you feel most insecure about?
- What part of your genitals do you feel most insecure about?
- How often do you fantasize and what seems to make you start thinking of a fantasy?
- Describe a fantasy that is fairly easy to share and could sort of realistically happen.
- What would be the most embarrassing thing to share with me about your sexuality?
- What is something you worry I would judge you for with your sexuality?
- What is the best way to communicate to you that I want to try something new sexually?
- What is the best way to broach that I don’t like something that you do sexually and want to change it or stop it?
- What do you need to feel completely safe with me sexually?
- What sexual trauma have you experienced (ranging from hurt feelings/insults to sexual abuse)?
- Have you ever been coerced into something sexually?
- How do you know that I am consenting to being intimate with you or doing a particular sexual behavior?
- How do you know when you are wanted?
- How do you like to be flirted with?
- If heterosexually identified, have you ever thought about being with someone of the same gender sexually? (If gay identified, have you thought of being with someone of another gender ?)
- Would you want to share me with anyone else?
- What is the best thing you bring to the bedroom sexually?
- What do you think you need to improve in your sexual skills?
- Define: fucking, making love, having sex
- Do you think we need to know details of each other’s sexual lives before we met or keep them in the past?
- Do you have any mental or physical illness that affects your sexual functioning or requires medicine that does?
- If you’ve been pregnant or been with someone who was, how did your pregnancy(ies) affect your sexuality?
- If you’ve experienced childbirth yourself or with a partner, how did it affect your sexuality?
- If you have children, how has parenthood affected your sexuality?
(ALTERNATE: If you have not had a pregnancy or children:
- Are you interested in tantric sex?
- What do you think would be the best parts of being born of a different gender?
- What is your favorite sexual thing to do with me? )
- Have hormonal changes such as menstruation or menopause affected your sexuality? (If you have experienced a partner going through hormonal changes, how did this affect your sexuality?)
- How has aging affected your sexuality?
- If you are in a long term relationship, how has the spice and sexual energy changed throughout your relationship?
- How has your sexuality changed since the first time you started being sexual?
- When do you feel sexy?
- What are top 5 things that are sexy to you?
- Have you had a time period(s) where you had no desire to have sex? What was the reason? How long did it last? How did it change?
- What is the best thing I do for you sexually?
- What kind of evening could I plan for you that would help make you feel happy, sexy and feeling connected with me sexually?
cc Dr. Juliana Hauser 2017
3 thoughts on “50 Questions to Ask Your Lover Exercise”
Oh Juliana- so much better flow!! Even if it’s 50 questions. Love the new questionnaire. Xo
I’m so glad! Thank you SO much for your help with it! xoxo
Stellar work there evnreoey. I’ll keep on reading.