This is an election cake a friend of mine made last night.
It has an interesting story behind the tradition. In the 1700’s, women used to make it in order to sway men to vote for the issues they supported. Because women couldn’t vote. Because this was a persuasive way for women to activate agency. Because women get creative when things are hard and they aren’t given a fair seat at the table.
When my friend talked about the process to bake it- which was shockingly involved- we quipped about how far we’ve come. We had laughter and pre celebration and, although not said, it felt as if we were eating this cake with a table filled with women NOT feeling like we needed to sway or bribe men because we couldn’t vote or that we couldn’t trust they wouldn’t vote on our behalf.
We didn’t know how different the coming hours would feel from when this photo was taken last night.
I am a therapist and I work with clients all over the world. I saw 7 clients today. Ranging from 3 countries and different genders. I’ve seen sobbing and anger. Resignation and acceptance. Deep fear and trauma. Disbelief and betrayal. Detachment and neutral vibes. Republicans, Democrats. Some wanted to talk about it briefly. Some wanted to cry. Some looked for me to be optimistic. Some weren’t sure what they needed. 3 out of the 7 did the session from their bed.
What is my therapeutic perspective? We need to cry, mourn, rage. Then we need to get to figuring this out. When we aren’t so tired and disillusioned and fear filled.
You know how coaches say you learn more in defeat than victory; maybe there’s something to this regarding the election. Not just how you handle it but also about what you lost. And also about what to be accountable for.
What have we learned? What do I think we should have learned?
- The media and social media algorithms worked in creating vacuums that left many unaware of the swirling support for Trump. The shock of the result has felt almost as traumatizing as the actual result for many.
- The democratic party made a lot of mistakes. In policy, timing, understanding how they alienated their base, turning down key opportunities to speak and convert red voters, not knowing how to speak to disenfranchised men and underestimating the power of straight talk even if ‘crazy’. Many feel the election was lost by D and not really won by R. Many feel the Democratic party owes ‘us’ an apology and needs to be held accountable.
- Trump won against two women and lost to an older white man. What is the meaning of that combination?
- It is critical to understand why so many (the majority of) Latino men and white women voted for Trump. This is powerful beyond irony. Something BIG was misunderstood here.
- We, as a nation, don’t know how to understand each other. We don’t know how to hear each other and stay in hard conversations that lead to positive action.
- I have searched as much as I could and do not profess to be a political expert but I think no other presidential candidate has had only 3-ish months to run a campaign. No matter who it was, that endeavor was a long shot and that was forgotten quickly.
- Once again, a black woman was asked to do the impossible and to right the mistakes of many before her.
- There should be a mental health component or screening for presidential candidates.
- Bless the men who reached out, supported, rage with, and consoled the women and marginalized individuals who were suffering and scared today and will be the next 4 years.
- We need to be put in time out and let another country take over and teach us how to get our country’s shit together. Can we get a country mentor?
What was lost?
A voice. Safety. Invisibility. Certainty. Hope. Faith in media, in democracy, in women, in Latino men, in neighbors.
How do we handle today and tomorrow… and the next day, and the next?
You feel through it. You think about it, stop thinking about it, you talk it out. You limit talking about it. You decide what you need and want. What are the take-aways ahead? You find your fucking agency moving forward.
I think this election result is undeniably about racism and sexism too. And power and entitlement. Agency is about knowing your yeses and nos. Agency is about knowing how to navigate your values and needs next to someone else’s needs and wants, and being relational and not adversarial. It is about finding your voice and knowing your voice matters as much, but not more than someone else’s.
Agency is about knowing you matter and figuring out a way to find your place in the mattering without marginalizing and oppressing others. I hope the Republican party and every person who voted for Trump takes on the responsibility of the victory that was just had. Each of you has stepped up to the podium and had your voice amplified. Can you learn to do it without destroying the rights of others? For those who are celebrating today and for those who regret their vote, what are you going to do about both? The responsibility, the stoplight, the power.
If you voted ‘for financial reasons,’ what are you going to do to balance out all the consequences of your vote?
A vote is a voice. We might not like to hear it… but just like a couple in conflict or a therapist and client… sometimes you have to listen. Really hear. Really self-reflect. Be accountable. Be a change agent and be a leader of agency and not entitlement.
For those of us who didn’t vote for Trump, we are looking at you – the Trump voters. They counted your votes last night; now it’s time to make your vote count. Showing up for him last night was a start; let’s hope he will now show up for us. You have the opportunity to behave in a way that is in opposition of what you say happened to you. Will you be entitled and oppressive or will you help the hopeless? What will you do with all of this power and what will these next four years say about you?
Now let’s hope he will show up for you… and for all of us.