Let’s be real—self-development can feel like a full-time job and many of us are up for the challenge. We journal, meditate, exercise, we try to eat in ways that make us feel good, we make appointments with mental health professionals, we follow feminist financial planners on social media… We do all we can with what we have. And yet, so many of us still skip the part that I argue matters most: our sexuality.
And let me be clear, it’s not just about sex—it’s about connection, relationships, identity, pleasure, agency, and whole-person vitality. Exploring your sexuality holistically like I’ll introduce in this blog is like discovering a hidden superpower. Like any superpower (or self-development routine) it may not always be worth it, but it is always worth it.
Emily Nagoski reminds us that we are all normal, and that sexuality is a context-dependent, emotion-rich, brain-body story. Esther Perel pushes us to recognize that eroticism isn’t just about sex—it’s about feeling alive, creativity, risk, and vitality. Holistic sexuality lives within this space. It’s about tapping into your whole self: body, mind, context, culture, and connection. And that’s what this work is really about—reconnecting with your essence, with curiosity and compassion. Sexuality is a dynamic, contextual, and fluid part of one’s identity, and you deserve to know yourself in this way, too.
The first step in the journey of holistic sexuality is understanding that you likely have a lot to relearn, unlearn, heal from, and grow into.
The Pillars of Holistic Sexuality
I’ve developed a framework that I call the Nine Pillars of Holistic Sexuality. They’re rooted in early models like Dr. Dennis Dailey’s Circles of Sexuality from 1981, but they’ve been expanded to reflect what I’ve seen over decades of work with real people, in real lives, with real complexities. These pillars aren’t meant to be followed in order, like a checklist. Life doesn’t work that way. We move between them, revisit them, and grow alongside them. Let’s dive in!
Sensuality
Sensuality is about experiencing the world through and with your senses–it’s your gateway to presence. So many people believe that they aren’t sensual people, and to that I say, “If you have access to any of the five senses, you’re a sensual being.” Our senses invite us to learn our yeses and nos, or as I like to say, our yucks and yums. Do you like floral scents but dislike woody fragrances? Do you love the sight of peonies and can’t stand the sight of garbage? You are a sensual being… we all are.
It’s impossible to access your senses without being present, in the moment, in your body. Our senses and therefore sensuality ties us to the physical plane, to our body, and can connect us to others. This is how sensuality fits into the pillars of holistic sexuality–it’s imperative that you know what you like and don’t like, what inspires you and turns you off, so you can communicate with a partner(s) and get curious about your partner(s) yucks and yums, too.
I’ll pose a couple questions for each pillar for you to begin. This is just a start, but a great way for you to start the important journey through this final frontier. Grab a notebook and let’s explore:
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Identify someone you know that you’d call a “sensual person” – what was it about this person that made you think of them as a sensual person?
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Do you consider yourself a sensual person or do you feel distant from the concept? Explore.
Want to keep reading? Check out the full blog post here!