A few weeks ago I wrote about ‘finding sexy’ and explored what it means to be and to feel sexy. I keep diving deeper into the concept of sexy and think about it a lot. ‘Sexy’ is such a fascinating and bizarre THING. It is different for everyone. What you FIND sexy in others may not and most likely isn’t what you think is sexy about you. Our relationship with sexy varies throughout our life, our day and maybe each hour. Yet it is always there. We have different relationships with sexy—it may be really visible and invigorating like in the beginning of a new romance or it may be void of emotion and detached. You may neglect your sexy or you may find it to be a crucial part of your life at this stage. It changes. And we change within this complicate relationship with sexy too.
All this thinking converged in a conversation I had yesterday with a beautiful soul during a coaching call. I walked alongside her as she moved from fear and embarrassment to excitement and enthusiasm all from a honest and no holds barred conversation about sexuality and sexy. This is the kind of hour that gets my juices going. I love witnessing that kind of transformation in another. And I knew I wanted to share some of what I asked her to explore with you.
If you feel a disconnect right now from sexy or remember what that feels like or even just want to revisit what sexy means to you, read through my step by step example of one way to explore a new way of finding sexy.
Discovering Sexy is a Process
If you’ve been reading my articles, you know that I don’t see change as a staircase but more like an upward series of spirals. This is never more true than in the quest for sexy. In the journey of connecting with sexy, you move upwards but also circle around in those little loopy-loops. It is within those loops that things feel hard, uncomfortable and sometimes hopeless. You can loop around a few times (man this can really, really feel sucky) or slowly as you learn and grow within the lessons of the journey. Sometimes the loops will be lightening speed and catapult you to the next loop. All of this is normal.
I also want you to expect yourself to move around and up and down in the process and you will most likely need to revisit some of the steps multiple times and in a different order as you reflect and practice and assimilate all the information you are living and learning.
So jump in, buckle up and get your sexy on.
- I am a sexual being.
Claim your birthright and recognize the normalcy of this statement.
Journal with these prompts:
Examine the parts of you that are showing up as a sexual being right now. Do you have a fantasy life? Satisfying masturbation practices? Do you have a wanting to connect with this side of yourself?
Take time to reflect what you learned about sexuality and the idea of sexy growing up. Did your family talk about sex at all or was it taboo? Did you see parents or grown ups kiss/hold hands? Was masturbation a topic that was talked about/avoided/ shamed? Observe the messages you received as this is a time where your identity as a sexual being was being cemented. (and the good thing about cement is that it can be cracked open and recreated into something new…and if that isn’t technically true it can’t be recreated into something else just go with it….)
- I am a sexual woman or man (or gender you identify with).
*This usually starts like this “I am a sexual woman.” (imagine in tiny, tiny print)
(Embarrassment, hesitation, and eye rolling).
*Then it moves to “I am a sexual woman.”
(A statement. Neither loud nor soft.)
*To “I AM A SEXUAL WOMAN”
*to finally “I AM A SEXY WOMAN!!!!”
(Excitement, hope, unbridled embracing of the journey)
*to “I am a sexual, sexy woman. Yep.”
(Integration into who you are, a natural, welcomed part of you)
Where do you start with that statement? Is it a smaller, almost apologetic statement that sounds like question or are you closer to loud and lots of exclamation points?
I really believe in using tangible things when making a change in your life. And that isn’t just a girly thing. Dudes can do this stuff too and get a lot out of it. Make it tactile. Do your own thing but make sure you do SOMETHING that is concrete and something you can hold in your hands or see with your eyeballs. Here are some ideas of how to make it tangible
Example: Pinterest Board, collage, digital vision board, write lists, describe it, draw it, pick music that represents it.
Next I want you to write about your past relationships with sexy. In much deeper reflection, explore it like this:
“I always felt different than other girls. I didn’t fit the norm. My breasts came in late and boys didn’t see me as a potential girlfriend. When I was in my 20’s, my breasts grew and I started getting more attention. It was weird at first but then I started owning it. I felt more assured. I dressed differently. I felt super sexy when I met my husband. I loved how excited he was about being with me. After my first child, I lost that sexy feeling. I hated my baby scars, I would only have sex with the light off and I started dressing more with elastic bands than I did in elementary school. I don’t even know where sexy begins anymore.”
Once you’ve gotten out the PAST sexy, you are ready to move on to the new direction of sexy. Thank Past Sexy for what it has taught you and brought you-good and yuck- and tell it is staying back there. Later, P S.
Smile and get ready for a fun series of exercises that will bring in a whole new Sexy.
Do this in order and not all at once:
- What do I look at and think is sexy? Pick images.
- What do I look at and do NOT think is sexy? Pick images. (Knowing what DOESN’T work is as important as what does work.)
- Go back to your first board and notice any themes. Draw them out and make them into a new group. Write about the themes. They can be concrete like legs or high heels or words/phrases, laughing pictures or an article. Turn words into phrases like “ humor” into “quiet sarcastic jokes told only to me”.
- Describe the concept of ‘sexy’—what does this mean to YOU? What do you find sexy in others, in yourself, what does it mean ‘to be sexy’. Write about it.
- Remember that ‘sexy’ is an action, a feeling, a connection, a vibe and 1000 other things. Explore this and go back to your #3 and add things that hit all areas of ‘sexy’ for YOU. This is such a fun part. Don’t hold back. Don’t judge. Dream. Big. Have fun, fun and more fun with this.
- Look at your visual and start a list of what you could do in your life that would bring each idea to life. DO NOT FREAK OUT. You don’t have to do this. (yet) It is just imagining. Dreaming. Pushing yourself. Keep this going for a while. Weeks, months. Whatever feels right. Add to it when you feel good. When you feel off. When you are tired. When you are energized. Let this list breathe and grow. It will inform you. It will call to you. That’s what you want.
- Break this list into sections of ‘this is easy’, ‘this is a stretch’, ‘this makes me want to throw up’ (or whatever words work and make you smile)—remember THIS IS FUN!!!! Start putting the ideas under each category.
- When you feel kind of ready—go for it! Pick two things off your ‘easy’ list and do it in within the same week. The next week I want you to pick something off your ‘stretch’ list. Write about it. The good, the bad, the funny. Have positive statements ready for you when you are done. CELEBRATE the hell out of them. I MEAN IT. Celebrate that shit! You rocked it no matter how it felt or turned out. You rocked it because you showed up and tried. Honestly, when I am trying new stuff, I almost hope it is a semi-disaster on paper because that means it can only get better and I love the chance to laugh at the absurdity of life. It makes the obstacles in my path have less power. Because it really boils down to perception. For me, doing a strip tease may make me have dry heaves but for someone else, it is nothing but wearing heels and a tight dress would be a nightmare….. I want the opportunities to remind myself to be easy on myself, that I deserve this and to keep perspective—if this was easy, I wouldn’t need to be so purposeful to change it. And we ALL have stuff that needs to be changed and that we want to improve in our life.
- Keep doing this ‘double up easy with stretch’ for a while until you accumulate a bunch of positive things and fear isn’t guiding you. Then blindly pick a ‘oh man’ idea. Yep, I said blindly. Eyes closed and finger out. Just do it. And commit to doing whatever that is and not bargaining yourself out of it. Do all your positive self-talk things make sure you are safe and freaking go for it. Remind yourself you DESERVE it and envision all that amazing, sexy feelings and experiences on the other side of this fear. And know you’ll be okay. Any way it works out. It is all just information gathering.
- I am sexy.
When you do all of the above. This statement will feel SO differently from when you read it the first time. Seriously celebrate it. Pick a song that makes you FEEL sexy. Not sexy for someone else. Something that FEELS sexy at a cellular level and just for you. I have about 5 songs that bring out a different aspect of sexy for me.
- I connect as a sexual woman ( or man or your identifier) to others.
Write about this. What does ‘connect’ mean? What does it feel like for this to be a statement rather than a question?
- I invite a sexual connection with others into my life.
Own this calling. I strongly believe in intentions and the power of our thoughts. Notice the emotions that come up for you when you say it. What is it like to read it vs. say it out loud. Write it different ways- in print, in cursive, in flowers, in sand. Collage about it. Remove all judgment and ‘shoulds’.
Stay in the simplicity of that statement.
- I have a sexual connection with others in my life.
Remember this statement is not tied to sexual experience It is about connecting in this way. It is about how you show up as a sexual being to other sexual beings. It is about the feeling, the action within you, the action that comes from you-your core-your essence. And it is on your terms. Based on your values. Because of who you are and what you bring to the world.
Give yourself this gift and do it. Do it all and embrace the process.
Then write me and tell me ALL about it. Nothing gets me more excited then hearing about transformation and insights and I’d love to hear how you discovered your sexy.
Now go on and bring YOUR SEXY to the world. We are all waiting.