The 10 Questions You Should be Asking Yourself Weekly about Your Sex Life
I have a daily practice that keeps me grounded and focused. I read devotional books, write in a journal, and have meditation and prayer time. I try to do it everyday and can tell when I get out of a routine.
I don’t feel as grounded and centered. I also see myself being more reactive and responsive rather than intentional and purposeful. Doing a daily practice keeps my belief systems in the forefront and background of everything I do….something I need because as I get busy and stressed, those things are the first to go. I always need tune ups and reminders.
I also have another part of my practice that I do weekly. Related to my sexuality. I started it because I realized I needed an intentional practice to keep my sexuality and sex life in the forefront of my thoughts.
I ask myself 10 questions. I find they hit the highlights of my Circles of Sexuality (http://dr-juliana.com/my-circles-of-sexuality/), provide a well-rounded check in and help me to keep my sexuality as an important part of my world. It is fascinating how my answers change week-to-week depending on what has happened and how tapped into things I am with myself.
Sometimes I journal my answers and other times I answer them in my mind. I’d like to start asking people in my life too what their answers are for their life. I love hearing how my clients answer these questions and what the weekly practice is like for them as well.
Do I feel vibrant (in general)?
Do I feel sexually desirable?
Are my sexual needs being met? (by me, by someone else)
Do I care about my sexual life?
What is my comfort level with talking about sex and sexuality and communicating my needs?
How am I feeling about my body?
What is my relationship like with my orgasms?
What is my connection like with others?
When I think of sex, what comes to mind?
Do I feel tapped into God (Source, Universe)?
*bonus question: What fun am I having in my sexual life?
WHAT TO DO WITH THE QUESTIONS:
- Write your answers in a journal, print out the questions and write them or answer them in your mind or with a partner.
- Pay attention to the questions that come easily to you and the ones that you struggle with answering. Take time to examine the successes and challenges within each question. Look for themes—is it a relationship thing? Is there a mental health issue? A particular stressor? Something magical happening?
- Celebrate the successes and beautiful places of your sexuality. What is coming together to make this magic and happiness? Note the particulars so you can give them more energy and attention or access them in later weeks if those elements are no longer so amazing.
- Honor the parts that are a challenge for you that week. What do you need to support that area? Do you need to communicate a need or ask a question to a lover or trusted friend? Do you need to get expert support?
- Is there any question that you tend to avoid or consistently have a challenge with?
- After running through these questions, write or say an intention of where you want to focus your energy within your sexuality. (ex: I will focus on opening myself up to connection. I am going to excitedly initiate sexual connection this week with my husband. I am going to abstain from sexual pleasure and direct my sexual energy towards flirting with my wife. I am going to devote an hour towards self pleasure. ) Once you start incorporating intention into your weekly practice, add “How did my intention show up this past week?”.
When I introduce new practices to clients and you, I am often asked to give examples of how it may sound or look.
Here is an example I made up to show what a weekly response may sound like.
1.Do I feel vibrant (in general)?
I do. Most days. Best time of days 10am-2pm. Feeling hopeful, loving connecting with new friends. Music has been fulfilling and fun. Loved going out with friends last weekend, dressing up, talking to adults and keeping things light and fun. I love being silly in a safe environment. I love expressing my vibrancy and not being hit on and having others assume the way I am showing up means I am wanting to connect in anything more than a platonic way.
- Do I feel sexually desirable?
Yes. Mostly. I love doing my hair curly these days. Fun and messy. Makes me feel sexy. I’m feeling more sure-footed and open to connecting with others. Have periods of feeling really tired (and not desirable) from work and money stress. Parenthood is also taxing me a bi. Overall I’m feeling energized and connected. Looking forward to getting into a work out routine again and getting my desire kick started with how working out feel goods. Missing having my tanned legs and see myself shying away from anything but pants these days. When I am free and letting go of fears and self judgment, I feel very desirable. I’ve been exploring the feeling of the head turns-had a great conversation with a friend about how it feels when men’s heads stop turning when you enter a room. It was insightful and honest. I want to explore this more. I’ve started to experience that invisibility.
- Are my sexual needs being met? (by me, by someone else)
Kindof and yep. Feeling a little stale in my self-love but invigorated in my relationship sexual life. Need to change things in self pleasure and will focus on that this week. Relationship sex life is very fulfilling. Feeling desired, inspired and connected. Kissing is favorite part of the week. I love how much he makes me feel wanted. Loving he is more vocal and love that he is dirty talking a bit and taking charge more. I see I am trusting him more and letting go more.
- Do I care about my sexual life?
Yes, a tremendous amount. I want to feel vibrant and in the present. Some of the circles are neglected (I need to talk to GYN about the new birth control pills that were so expensive. I need to spend more time on vulnerability and safety.)
Connection and relationship are getting top billing. I want to feel sexually connected to myself and my guy. It is priority. It is a highlight when kids are asleep and we can connect. We laugh that we say “tonight we are JUST going to go to sleep” and then we connect and can’t help ourselves. This means the world to me. In my head a bit that I am afraid this connection will end or fizzle. Need to focus on present and gratefulness.
- What is my comfort level with talking about sex and sexuality and communicating my needs?
I am shying away from talking about my sexuality in my new town.Concerned about judgment? Not trusting? Wonder if they are different than me and gossipy?Still, I find it hard to share much about my true, personal life with others. I don’t feel like I have safe confidants yet in my life to confide in.Super easy talking to my guy. Maybe we talk too much about it since I don’t talk with anyone else?
- How am I feeling about my body?
Pretty good. Working out more is helping. Wondering about my ass. Checked it out naked. Looking bigger than I thought and wasn’t the ass I remembered from my 30’s. Has it been that long since I’ve really looked at it naked? But, whatever, I worked through it.
My guy is so affirming of my body and that feels great. Need to affirm myself though too. Realizing the busy, every day life has made me not think about my body much this week. Need to spend some time appreciating my body and my health.
- What is my relationship like with my orgasms?
Varies. Not so exciting in my self-pleasure. More like stress relief than soulful and fulfilling. Means to an end. No time or privacy really too. Noticing my fantasy life is waning too.Otherworldly with my guy. Slightly distracted with feeling like it may take too long to orgasm but communicating about that fear is going well.Thinking I need to explore a new sex toy. Not sure where to start though but I’m getting bored with mine.
- What is my connection like with others?
This is often the barometer of my sexuality. Connection. Disjointed. Having a hard time blending family time, work time, friend time. Feel like I have been a terrible friend lately.Really seeing my introverted self-needing alone time.Trust issues arose big time this week. Makes me retreat from everyone. Even from myself. Need to explore trust and safety again. So far it has led me to exploring the topics of control, Shibari, and vulnerability. And then ultimately, I keep asking myself ‘what am I afraid of’?
- When I think of sex, what comes to mind?
Fulfillment. Fun. A good distraction from some of the harder stuff going on in my life. Keeps me so in the moment. Happy. Exciting. Love when kissing alone feels like great sex. When he said “let me get my eyesight back again” after kissing for a while….awesome. Am I using sex as an escape lately?
- Do I feel tapped into God (Source, Universe)?
Yes but not consistently. When I still my thoughts, I am in a flow and feel safe. Love listening to Soul Sessions podcast. Elizabeth Lesser interview really motivated me to commit to my daily practice again. Let go of the oars and flow with the river instead of paddling up stream. I know this. Now live it. Am loving my church and rector. Her sermons fill me and meeting with her really cemented the connection. Feeling centered helps me to let go in my sexual life and feeling connected to something bigger than me is allowing me to get out of my head when I want a connection with someone-especially my guy.
Consider incorporating these questions into a weekly routine. More than anything with this exercise, be authentic. Be real. Ask and answer without judgment and editing it. Don’t try to sound ‘good’… commit to being honest.
Ask yourself. Ask your partner. Your friend. Your mother. Your sibling. Have these questions help create a roadmap to yourself –to your essence and be a quick reminder of the importance of your sexuality.
Mostly, make your sexuality a priority in your life and learn to see your sexuality as a way to tap into vibrancy, spirituality, and connection.
Sexual fulfillment is your birthright and an integral path to fulfillment and growth. Remind yourself of this weekly and tap into this beautiful part of yourself.