The Art, Science and Dance of the G Spot
I was going to publish my first article in the series of cheating today but had multiple people write me privately and then had an impromptu interview as an expert for an article over the topic of the g spot so I decided the universe wanted me to talk about that today instead. Cheating next week it is…..
I could write a series on the G Spot in and of itself and I will in the coming months but I wanted to do a quick down and dirty about it today. It is hard to keep it short—there is SO MUCH to say about this topic. Today’s article will be a quick but juicy dive.
Most people engaged in sexual activity with another person care (in varying degrees) about enhancing the pleasure of the person(s) they are engaging with.
When being asked about partnering with a woman this is what it often sounds like:
“How do I get her off better?” “I want to make her come faster and give her the best orgasm of her life.” “I am going to make her find her G spot. How do I do that?”
Sentiments like that. Now I think the underlying sentiments are awesome. Selfless pleasure giving. Fantastic.
But the questions beg for a quick, easy answer and there just isn’t one. I’ve been answering those questions for two decades and this final version of this article is the FOURTH draft because I couldn’t get the words just right or keep it to a digestible length. There is THAT much to say and that much nuance to it all.
I am going to get into some specifics about the g spot but I want to start with telling you this…when you are the partner of a woman there is an art, a science and a dance that must be understood to experience pleasure. You must understand all three if you really want to enhance the experience.
In order to be a master of art, science and dance in female pleasure you must 1) be curious 2) be patient 3) be selfless 4) be enlightened.
Why? Because it is complicated af. And that will either frustrate you and bring out the worst in you if you are on a mission, out to prove something or don’t get it. If you are 1-4 then the quest will feel exciting, fun and important but not THAT kind of important. It will be seen as part of your journey and not representative of it.
Alright, that said…let’s do some G Spot 101.
The Name (Science)
First, it is so annoying it is called G spot. Ugh. Just UGH!!
“G” -Female anatomy named by a man in honor of a man ‘finding it’. Like a flag on top of a mountain top.
“Spot”. The word spot suggests it is a finite, pinpoint one size fits all, stand alone location which is inaccurate.
I want another phrase or word altogether but can’t figure out what I like in place of the G.
I do know that ‘spot’ needs to be replaced with ‘area’.
Does it Exist (Science)
That’s not the right question. Namely because the exercise of asking it and researching the answer ITSELF is controversial. Because: it is about female anatomy and pleasure and that gets a lot of people in a tizzy in the medical and scientific communities. I’ll get to that.
But here is my answer to that oft asked question:
Every (biologically identified) woman has the potential for pleasure in an area within her vaginal cavity.
That is how I describe it. An area of potential.
We often want certainty in our lives. Particularly in our sexual lives. With the question of the existence of a g spot, however, we just don’t have it. First, because women vary. Second, because science has been slow to perform top notch, scientifically sound studies that ask forward thinking, accurately stated questions with the right subjects.
And we have a history of scientists and the medical community not validating the experiences of women’s sexual pleasure if it can’t be measured, pictured and graphed and held within an archaic data framework and that has made the question and debate about this fabulously mysterious area confounded.
But simply. YES. Women have SOMETHING in THERE that feels REALLY great for SOME women SOME of the time.
And with all of those qualifiers, it still is something important and interesting and deserves education and exploration.
If research conflicts, how am I so sure?
Because I’ve asked women. I’ve heard from women. I’ve experienced it as a women. I’ve read the extremely flawed research.
I just know.
I’ve talked to women who have experienced pleasure in an area within her ‘accidently” and women who have made purposeful efforts to find pleasure in this area as a solo or partnered endeavor using specific techniques to maximize the potential of pleasure for her. After hearing both groups describe the difference of pleasure from other orgasmic experiences it is compelling.
I also BELIEVE women. I believe what they say, I see patterns and I see lack of patterns. I see variance as normal and not something that invalidates the existence of a g spot area.
Women describe pleasure and orgasms through stimulation of this area very differently than pleasure found through clitoral stimulation only or clitoral stimulation and vaginal penetration that doesn’t touch this area. Women sound different when they are experiencing pleasure in this area.
So…trust me. It exists. The potential for pleasure in this area exists.
It does NOT mean every woman will feel pleasure here. Some may never. And she isn’t broken and you aren’t a bad lover. Some women may feel pleasure there one day but not the following week. Same. Some women can experience it on top only or with that certain sex toy or with the pillow underneath or whatever….Some women may experience it without much pomp or circumstance while another may need the right lighting, laundry done, a certain pressure and length of time. And ALL OF THIS IS NORMAL and expected and okay……because female pleasure is complex and delicate and powerful and fantastic and women vary.
Some More on Variance. (Science meets Art)
First—women’s anatomies vary so there is no one specific ‘thing’ that we can point to that can be measured over and over again and deemed valid based on current scientific measures.
This isn’t bad. It just is.
To help a bit: Noses vary. Sneezes vary. How our sinus system reacts to a virus vary. Vary from person to person. Vary from cold to cold. Yet we don’t question it exists…noses, sneezes, mucus drainage. We can see it. And all genders have the potential for it.
But the g spot? Only one gender has it, it can’t be seen easily and women describe it differently. Just like you would if you were describing your experience of a sneeze. So the variance makes it suspect and frustrates many.
But it shouldn’t.
When breaking down our genital system there are some aspects of our genitals that are functionally the same. The big ones that count—ovaries, uterus, cervix, fallopian tubes. We do however have some structural variance that at first glance do not matter to our genital system but actually play a key role in our proneness to pleasure sensitivity in the g spot area. These genital structures include the size and location of vestibular bulbs, urethral sponge, the tilt of the uterus, placement of cervix, and the urethra and how all of these minor variances form the unique pleasure potential wrapped up in a woman’s clitoral system.
The variance is often hard to detect, quantify and measure but the differences are magnified and important when looking at pleasure potential. They make the endeavor delicate and interesting NOT invalid.
In short: Believe women. Embrace the marvel of anatomical variance.
Second—another aspect of the potential of pleasure in this area involves the beautiful complexity of context. What a woman needs in the context of pleasure pursuit and experience to feel safe, turned on, vulnerable, wanting to receive and wanting to express pleasure….you guessed it–VARIES.
The link between situational context, emotions, relationship satisfaction and comfort with self are pivotal in the pursuit of g spot/area experiences.
Yet, most scientific studies leave out this context thusly invalidating, confusing and misleading knowledge about this topic.
But as women….we know. We know what feels great today is because the kids are asleep, your partner said this wonderful thing and you got a great night sleep the day before but the same physical action can be annoying tomorrow because you are exhausted, pissed off at your partner for saying that dumb thing and distracted because of work stress the next day. Anatomy didn’t change. Context did.
In short: Know the context of pleasure. Inquire. Lovingly. Especially all of the stuff outside of the sexual connection. DO NOT underestimate, misunderstand or assume context.
OOOH The Pressure!! (Science meets Art meets Dance)
Part of my problem with the discussions about the G SPOT is that there is so my pressure to all involved to find it, hit it, do the right things to it, feel awesomeness with it, show how great it is and then feel great about yourself for finding the Atlantis of the vagina.
UGH. It is just TOO MUCH.
I work hard….to get people to relax about it.
There is so much pressure to perform and to prove their lover’s process by having a g spot orgasm. I hear from a lot of women who are dismayed they can’t find it and feel inadequate and broken. For women who already struggle with their relationship with orgasm the g spot area is the Mt Everest of ‘never gonna get there’ pleasure zones.
I also hear from partners of women who also feel inadequate for not knowing how to ‘help find it’ and feel desperate to learn in order to be viewed as better lovers or even just to feel good that they have skills that can help their lover experience pleasure.
So, can we just agree—it is just ONE thing in the treasure trove of pleasure? Can we look at it from a place of curiosity and fun rather than a mission to prove something?
The dance is beautiful and fun and interesting and mysterious and an intricate journey. Not a conquest nor something else to feel shame or broken about.
So relax. Explore. Be curious. Release expectations.
So Then What is the Big Deal? (Dance and Science and a lot of Art)
Well having experienced pleasure in this area personally, I can say it is a deal. It is great. Okay, pretty damn great. But so is chocolate fondue. I’m not saying it isn’t a big deal I’m saying it is amazing and worthy and fantastic but it isn’t EVERYTHING. But it isn’t nothing at the same time.
It isn’t the end all be all of my pleasure experience. That said, it is really awesome and something once I experienced it I wanted to know more. I wanted to really understand my own variance because clearly that was at play for me with my relationship with this area.
For me, the key was relaxing into the journey and giving no room for pressure or performance. I needed safety, I needed mindfulness and I needed to be super, duper turned on and hot for my partner. I needed connection and fun. Then I needed to know where my area was, how much pressure I liked, how long I liked it stimulated, what type of rhythms worked and what didn’t. I needed to get my whole system and create a mind body connection internally. I needed to know for myself and I needed to know how to unabashedly but kindly communicate with my partner. I also needed it to not be a deal every time. For me this area brings transcendence and radical connection if I’m partnered and I’m not up for that every time. And that needs to be cool.
In general….I think it is crucial for women to understand, deeply, the implications of our variance in anatomy and pleasure. Our variance needs to be acknowledged, understood, celebrated and validated. Our variance is indeed beautiful. Normal. Expected. No big deal. Some of our variance is rooted in evolutionary brilliance. Some of it is evolutionary irrelevance.
And it JUST IS.
When we get this individually and collectively we can stop worrying and feel shame and brokenness and get on with educating ourselves and feeling excited to explore how each of our bodies are made. When we can let go of right/wrong and broken/excellent, we can then move into a self study of sexuality of sorts.
We all need a roadmap to examine our sexuality and pleasure and medical studies like this just distract us from the REAL research. Finding out your own/your partners unique structural system and how knowing it can help enhance sexual pleasure.
My G Spot Area Dream
(First it is renamed—The Bertha Area or Potential Zone, whatever)
I have this dream that every woman gets to attend an appointment at a sexual wellness center. And when it is your day there is a celebration! Balloons and a specialized theme song as you walk in. You strut into your appointment! It is a BIG FREAKING DAY!!
You have tests to find out how your unique clitoral system is constructed—to figure out how your blood flow, your nerve bundles, your urethral spongy tissue, your cervical placement and uterus positioning all work together and are formed.
You take your structural information and go to another team that helps you understand how it all works together to bring you pleasure physically. You see 3 D or augmented reality movies of YOUR exact structures and learn how to use your uniqueness to best experience pleasure. Of all sorts and all varieties. There can even be an area called “Previously named G Spot” Room that helps you dive into the journey of understanding your potential for pleasure there.
Then you walk across the hall with the results to another team who help you understand the contextual activations in your life that benefit or inhibit your pleasure.
You come back after babies, after divorce, after medical issues, after menopause….You get special punch cards that make you feel excited to come back and revisit these matters rather than feel like your changes are signs of brokenness. You revisit it all throughout your life and each time you have a high five team that validates your birthright to pleasure.
That dream aside, pleasure is our birthright. We have the right to seek, enhance and experience pleasure. ALL GENDERS. On our own terms and in our own way. Validating the existence for the potential for pleasure in this area is one place where women can choose to claim this birthright collectively.
When I do the series on G Spot area in the coming weeks or months, I will get into actual tips and anatomy lessons that will help you on this journey…I know you are interested in those details too. But you need to get THIS info first before we get into that.
Stay tuned. Ask questions. Enjoy the journey.
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X oh, Dr. Juliana