The DUI Guy/Best 3 Minutes of a Date Guy/Doing his Secretary Guy/What are you Growing in Your House Guy
“Dave” was so entertaining that he was given 4 different names. He earned them all and my friends knew who he was with each nickname. Although his story is quite sensational at a glance, I actually think this guy has a good heart and soul and think fondly of him.
Just from a far.
I was working as a graduate assistant while in my final year of my doctoral program. I ran into this guy every once in awhile as I ran errands up and down the building. He was cute and seemed pretty funny.
A little bit like trouble at first glance. So of course that interested me. (Come oooooon Juliana!)
I kept an ear out about him and heard some rumors but didn’t have a credible source so I wasn’t making it gospel. But they did stay in the back of my mind.
We ended up running into each other one night out when we were both out with friends, laughed a lot and the story ended quite epically with him being handcuffed on the hood of a car when he thought a DUI checkpoint was an accident and he was trying to drive around it instead of stop for it. Turns out that’s a good way to get arrested.
You would think it would end there but nope, I apparently was determined to get to know this guy.
Flash forward a few years and we run into each other again. It happens in my small town. I think it was at a grocery store. We talked about that night and got caught up on what happened to him and what we’ve both been up to. He was no longer working at the college and was out on his own. Consulting. Out of his house.
I’m a sucker for a guy who makes me laugh so when he asked if I wanted to go to a football game with him, I accepted. I LOVE football. I love everything about the game. So laughing and football seems like a great time. Why not? Those rumors made me pause a bit but they were years ago, right? If true, he’s probably grown since then, right?
We drive to the game which is two hours away. We are in the car and five minutes into the drive, his ex wife calls and I sit silently as they talk on Bluetooth about the private school tuition situation, the behavior of his son towards her and who knows what else. I get it but I’m bored.
They get off the phone and he starts playing music. A couple of songs later and the mood is changing.
And then the best 3 minutes of a date happen for me.
He plays Beastie Boys “So Watch’Cha Want”. And he sings the whole song perfectly and with such perfect performance energy. Of course I did too because I love that song and I LOVE someone who will forget themselves in a song and be silly.
And well the Boys require that of you.
We sang to each other, we did such an incredible car performance and it still goes down for me as the best 3 minutes of a date. I can’t tell you how much fun it was. We laughed so hard and shared BB stories for another 15 minutes. We met up with a friend of his who seemed totally normal and protective of him and had a nice time at the game and ride back.
We went out a few more times. Almost always with a group of his friends. I actually like doing group dates and seeing a guy in the context of his friends-how they interact, what they say about him, how they treat me and their partners but a trend was starting. They kept teasing him that he wasn’t good enough for me. Not just a few times but a bunch of times. And he would say it too. By then, we had talked about the rumors and he admitted to some of it being true. It wasn’t very flattering but he also expressed what he had learned from it and had regrets.
“Who is perfect?” I thought. (Oh, Juliana…..)
Remember when Oprah said “When people tell you who they are, believe them.”
I didn’t believe him. Now I wasn’t having any thoughts about him being a possible “One” but I was starting to spend more time with him. He was easy to be around and low drama when I was around. Extremely laid back. That was different for me and I liked seeing what that felt like. And did I say already that he made me laugh? A lot.
We had a lot of talks about his new business which included navigating having his young secretary work out of his house and dealing with her needs as a single mother. I felt protective of her and wanted to do my part to have him help see her point of view and how hard it is to be a single mom being one myself. I noticed we talked about her quite a bit. Hmmm.
We went out for dinner and ended up going back to his place at the end. He wanted to show me his place which was the obvious cover for making out. I played a long.
He gave me the tour. He said he saved the back of the house for the end. I don’t remember exactly what he said as he opened the door but it was something to the effect of ‘This is probably illegal or something’ and I saw a greenhouse of pot pants.
I’m thinking ‘yes it is illegal’ and interesting and I’m not really sure what the best response is.
“You really do have a green thumb!”?
I’m not a prude and I didn’t judge this ‘hobby’ but the presentation was a bit odd. Abrupt. Perhaps too soon? So I asked where his production crew was and we laughed and he shut the door.
Next was his secretary’s ‘office’ which was a desk in an alcove in his hallway outside his bedroom. He stopped and made a point of this which was weird. I mean, okay, but I’m still absorbing the pot- growing hobby and can’t understand why we are stopping the tour to look at this desk of the young secretary who is a single mom who he talks about all the time until we walk into his bedroom and I start noticing her ‘office’ doesn’t end in the hallway. Her things extend into his bedroom.
You are doing your secretary.
It wasn’t a question. Or an accusation. It was a statement.
Oh. You are having sex with your ‘secretary’.
He acted surprised I ‘caught on’ so quickly but was he really??
God bless him for his ‘honesty’ on this one. He didn’t hide it and he clearly wanted me to know and see if I would be okay with it all.
I wasn’t. But I wasn’t mad. Probably because I didn’t have a lot of emotions or heart invested in him. He was always meant to be a friend. And a singing buddy.
We ended up being friendly and parted on easy terms. I was happy to have met him and gotten to know him better and despite the rumors that were pretty true, the DUI arrest and pot growing hobby and being in a relationship with his secretary, I really saw his good heart.
Plus, he gave me the best 3 minutes of a date EVER.
About what I wanted:
Much of what I learned about going out with “Dave” is obvious and the rest was nothing new to me but was cemented and that is important. I saw I wanted a guy who can have fun and makes me laugh. Life always throws curve balls but if you can laugh together and make each other laugh it can be a powerful salve to tough situations. I found myself feeling attracted to men who had intelligent humor in a quiet kind of way. I’m not drawn to a guy who is attention seeking or the life of the party but I resonate with a guy who can sit back and say something sarcastically witty and give me a little shit along the way. I also grew in my understanding that my guy has to know the time and place for silliness and humor and true connection and seriousness. I know how to enjoy superficial relationships that are light and fun and easy but with my partner in life, I knew I wanted someone who could sustain the grit with me and smile with me along the way.
I learned that I drew people to me that were a bit ‘broken’. This is in all areas of my life and one of the reasons that led me towards a career in therapy. I think we all have places of brokenness. Me included. ‘Broken’ isn’t really the word I want to use but I can’t find a better descriptor.
I overlooked red flags and saw their perspective before I really saw my own. I had the warning signs for Dave but I saw that I could spend time with someone who wasn’t a fit for me as a life partner and could enjoy the great parts of them. That was a move in the right direction for me. I also saw that I didn’t have to fix everyone or point out the parts of them that needed some work. If you read the ‘Double Date with Ex’ story earlier, you will be happy to know I did NOT send a follow up email with this guy!
And from the poetic words of the wise Beastie Boys….
“Yeah, you can’t front on that
So what’cha, what’cha, what’cha want? (what’cha want?)
So what’cha, what’cha, what’cha want? (what’cha want?)
I said, what’cha, what’cha, what’cha want? (what’cha want?)
I said, what’cha, what’cha, what’cha want? (what’cha want?)”